Monster Mashed

“Grandpa! Grandpaaaa!” Ellie screeched as she ran into the room, dragging half a doll behind her. She slammed her body against Christoff’s shin, gripping him tightly.

“Ellie, honey, we talked about this.” He patted her head, smiling.

“Sorry,” she whimpered, “Ancil broke my baby!” On cue, the little boy trotted in triumphantly, holding the other half of her doll in his mouth. Stuffing sprinkled onto the floor like bread crumbs.

“Ancil, come.” Christoff tried poorly to hide his bemused smirk.

“It’s not funny Grandpa!” She wailed before bursting into tears. Ancil stood behind Christoff, taunting his sister with the mutilated doll. Christoff grabbed each half, muttered under his breath and handed the restored ‘baby’ to Ellie. “Thank you,” she beamed, while Ancil shook his head.

“Shall we watch our show?” He asked. Both children lit up and scrambled to get their pillows before plopping in front of the TV. Christoff shuffled slowly across the room and groaned as he fell into his recliner. Retirement seemed like a dream back in the day, but the effects of time were getting to him. He flicked on the TV and a rumble of voices came from the speakers as the studio audience boomed with applause.

The cameras swung around as the host soaked in all the love from his viewers. A quick shot over the crowd showed nothing but shadows. The clapping finally died down and the man stepped behind a wooden countertop.

“Greetings everyone! We have a special show today.” His eyes glinted and his smile spread to his ears. The table was adorned with several frosted glass bowls, covered just enough to keep up the mystery. “Our dish will be a mouth-watering meal that’s simple enough to be replicated by anyone.” The crowd ‘Ooooh-ed’. “Fall-off-the-bone, tender ribs!” The children cheered along with the audience.

“This is guna be so good!” Ancil squeaked and punched the air. Ellie’s eyes sparkled – Christoff thought he saw her drooling.

The stagehands rolled a very large container onto the scene and quickly ran off. “This is the kind of dish I love preparing because there’s just no wrong way to go. I’ll show you what I do, but feel free to take liberties of your own. Not everyone has the same tastes.” He lifted the cover revealing a semi-conscious person. “I prefer to use fresh livestock, but there’s no harm in getting store bought – it’s all about preferences.” He winked and the whole room swooned. “First, a word from our sponsors.”

The kids were glued to the screen. Christoff sat quietly; he quite enjoyed watching his younger self prepare food. Ellie was the first to break from her trance, “can we have that for supper, Grandpa?” She pleaded and locked eyes with him.

“That doesn’t work on me Ellie. No, we’re having something different tonight.” She shrugged and dropped her gaze.

“Girl’s gotta try, right?” She giggled before returning to the screen like her brother.

The commercials faded, “Welcome back! Are we ready to get this party started!?” He coaxed the crowd. The children and the studio roared again. “Alright!”

The young Christoff picked up the gleaming sickle and stood over the captured human. Eyes wide, the human wriggled and began to squeal.

“Sometimes, you have to let them see the blade, the adrenaline racing through them makes for a much tastier meal,” Christoff said matter-of-factly before bringing the instrument above his head. “Front row, you might want to put your ponchos on.” Laughter came from all around him. In one quick motion he brought the blade down and took off the man’s head. “GUSHER!” More laughing, “We’ll be sure to save this part for later.” The head swung in his hand, one eye open and a permanent scream face. A stagehand ran out with a smaller container and Christoff placed it inside.

He hoisted the body onto the counter and began butchering; explaining his process as he went. “Be sure to remove the,” he grunted as he ripped and tore at the cadaver, “membrane from your rack of ribs – this will ensure that fall-off-the bone feel.” The older Christoff at home reveled in the memory as it played out in front of him. He could still smell the aroma of copper and fear. His younger self added spices and seasonings: Essence of Wraith, Wings of a Fairy, Salt, Pepper, etc. “I’ll just pop this sucker in the oven, you’ll want to cook at about 275 degrees Fahrenheit for around four hours. Lucky for us, I have one ready to go. While I get the previously prepared ribs, enjoy this message!” The screen clouded with ads for fang dentures, and talon clippers.

“Grandpa, I’m hungry,” Ancil whined.

“Lucky for you, we have someone prepared in the kitchen.” The kids took off at lightning speed to devour their snack. The screen returned and Christoff watched himself drizzle on the still-warm blood as a delicious sauce.

“Now we pop this back into the broiler for, meh, like ten minutes – or until it caramelizes. The meat doesn’t need to be this fresh, BUT the blood-sauce definitely does. You don’t want it congealing.” He gagged a little and so did the audience.  A few rounds of audience questions showed a variety of fans: werewolves, vampires, witches, banshees and a few swamp creatures. He had quite the following.

“Mmm. Can you smell that?”

The room howled.

“We made enough for everyone; my stagehands are handing samples out. Join me next week, to learn how to separate a human soul from its body for the most delicate dessert you won’t believe!”

The credits rolled and Christoff groaned again as he struggled to get out of his chair. He shuffled into the kitchen and saw the kids, mouths slathered in gore – enjoying the virgin they’d found in the cupboard. Their black eyes swirled; their teeth retracted. “Thanks Grandpa! Want some?” Ancil asked.

Christoff’s teeth descended, and with the speed of his youth, he chowed down with his grandchildren.

∼ Lydia Prime

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